At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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