There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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