Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
