i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
