i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
