woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
