3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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