so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
