Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
