put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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