dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
