last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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