all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
