Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
