so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
