when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
