Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
