We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
