If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
