I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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