it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
