WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
