I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
