Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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