Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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