Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
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I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize