i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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