Texts From Last Night

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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  Shittttttt.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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  (734): I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy. (1-734): Shittttttt. (734): Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy. http://tfl.nu/htfb
  Replies (33) Good night (9891) Bad night (834)
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises

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  (905): So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises http://tfl.nu/ed2j
  Replies (15) Good night (1585) Bad night (761)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.

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  (603): i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm. http://tfl.nu/ifvp
  Replies (121) Good night (812) Bad night (4668)
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  (661): View more from California

  No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.

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  (661): No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer. http://tfl.nu/5zs6
  Replies (44) Good night (4483) Bad night (993)
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  (714): View more from California

  im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me

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  (714): im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me http://tfl.nu/k37i
  Replies (8) Good night (3500) Bad night (714)
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober

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  (224): Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober http://tfl.nu/war3
  Replies (15) Good night (2222) Bad night (865)
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.

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  (806): Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone. http://tfl.nu/3odv
  Replies (5) Good night (1424) Bad night (733)
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.

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  (484): deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board. http://tfl.nu/f3ak
  Replies (6) Good night (2148) Bad night (717)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????

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  (978): Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right?????? http://tfl.nu/gecs
  Replies (12) Good night (931) Bad night (1704)
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  (914): View more from New York

  I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.

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  (914): I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements. http://tfl.nu/p1je
  Replies (8) Good night (1442) Bad night (485)
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  (914): View more from New York

  I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.

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  (914): I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit. http://tfl.nu/fljs
  Replies (3) Good night (415) Bad night (1411)
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill

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  (507): Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill http://tfl.nu/0ptc
  Replies (4) Good night (358) Bad night (1159)
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  (936): View more from Texas

  If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on

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  (936): If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on http://tfl.nu/8phy
  Replies (3) Good night (796) Bad night (255)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"

  (425): View more from Washington

  You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk

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  (253): Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?" (425): You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk http://tfl.nu/1uaf
  Replies (1) Good night (759) Bad night (275)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.

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  (314): You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick. http://tfl.nu/dywr
  Replies (1) Good night (904) Bad night (287)

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