If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
