he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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