woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
