I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I want to fling myself into the sun
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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