If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
