i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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