you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
