If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
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My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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