I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
