Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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