Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
