My friends, they love my intelligence
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
