That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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