for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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