drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
