Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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