Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
