I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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