I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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