I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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