Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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