Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
