Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
