Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
