I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize