I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
