my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
love makes seman taste better
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
