Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You need Xanax blowdarts
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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