I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
