I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize