3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
